How can I even think it? I’m tempted. I rage against myself, feeling as though…I’m hopelessly lost, in a cycle of deceit and good intentions. Round and round and round it goes. Disgust permeates me. Rage tries to find an answer within, bashing about abd promising, no pleading that it will never happen again. I feel good, rejuvenated even. I can go on living. Yet lurking in the shadows of the back of my heart is the truth of the matter. I’m afraid of change, terrified of commitment; I cannot be real. With the world and with myself.
I cannot understand myself. My passion and love for God is tremendous but I do not know what to do with myself. As I said before, I can’t be real. If you asked me why I might say it was because of my comfort zone, but I can tell you that is not the brutal truth. I reflect on it a little….no, the real reason is that God is not the center of my life. Rather, He is the image of my life. Nothing more than one of a protected, pure, Christian boy who is just perfect and an inspiration. I defy that notion! I believe that there cannot be a strong life, a firm foundation without conflict. The heart of the matter is that I cannot fully remember the last moment I had between me and God without some noise or distraction or me just talking into the night, as useless as dust blown in the wind. I state that if I have any desire to be real with myself or with the world, I must first be real with God. And that scares me. I don’t know why though….because I know that if I was truly real with God and dedicated myself to Him, the world could not stop my God shaking the nations through me.
God, I say do it! Give me the courage and determination to follow through. Allow me to follow your path for me instead of what my mind sees because of my crazy chanting. I say change me into your image, shake my life up beyond my own expectations. Give me insight into your mind and the opportunity to show You to those around me. Place in me a fire that burns through my soul. Lord, take me.
Amen. May God bless you in your walk.