Writings and Ponderings of an Undeserving Heart

Winston Churchill

zealcom — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 22:21:33 +0000

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”

Albert Einstein

zealcom — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 22:19:36 +0000

“I want to know how God created this world. I am not interested in this or that phenomenon, in the spectrum of this or that element. I want to know His thoughts; the rest are details.”

Afraid But Crowned.

zealcom — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 05:10:44 +0000

Afraid

But

Crowned.

Dejected

Even

For

God.

Humiliation,

Injustice.

Just

Kindness

Leads

Now.

Open

Palms

Quench

Resentment.

Salvation

Takes

Vile,

Wicked

Xploits.

Young

Zeal.

A Single Prayer

zealcom — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 05:06:04 +0000

How can I even think it? I’m tempted. I rage against myself, feeling as though…I’m hopelessly lost, in a cycle of deceit and good intentions. Round and round and round it goes. Disgust permeates me. Rage tries to find an answer within, bashing about abd promising, no pleading that it will never happen again. I feel good, rejuvenated even. I can go on living. Yet lurking in the shadows of the back of my heart is the truth of the matter. I’m afraid of change, terrified of commitment; I cannot be real. With the world and with myself.

I cannot understand myself. My passion and love for God is tremendous but I do not know what to do with myself. As I said before, I can’t be real. If you asked me why I might say it was because of my comfort zone, but I can tell you that is not the brutal truth. I reflect on it a little….no, the real reason is that God is not the center of my life. Rather, He is the image of my life. Nothing more than one of a protected, pure, Christian boy who is just perfect and an inspiration. I defy that notion! I believe that there cannot be a strong life, a firm foundation without conflict. The heart of the matter is that I cannot fully remember the last moment I had between me and God without some noise or distraction or me just talking into the night, as useless as dust blown in the wind. I state that if I have any desire to be real with myself or with the world, I must first be real with God. And that scares me. I don’t know why though….because I know that if I was truly real with God and dedicated myself to Him, the world could not stop my God shaking the nations through me.

God, I say do it! Give me the courage and determination to follow through. Allow me to follow your path for me instead of what my mind sees because of my crazy chanting. I say change me into your image, shake my life up beyond my own expectations. Give me insight into your mind and the opportunity to show You to those around me. Place in me a fire that burns through my soul. Lord, take me.

Heart and Lungs

zealcom — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 04:06:36 +0000

This heart of mine that beats and pulsates; without thought, without reflection it carries on. This blood within me is held back from running free by a thin layer of skin. It courses through my body. It brings life to me. Something that, given a chance, would freely flow out saves my life every second of every day. I am rejuvenated, refreshed.

Oxygen. I suck it in, greedily at times, I cannot imagine oxygen gone from my lungs. Yet I boast my own power when I try to go without it. I hold my breath. I am in the middle of a tunnel and the ground is moving beneath me. 5 seconds. 4 seconds. 3, 2, 1…gasp in the air. A feeling of triumph overcomes me: I have gone without oxygen. I have denied oxygen the pleasure of feeling the tissue lining my lungs. But I have been cheated, I must gulp in a reserve of air in order to stop new air from coming in. So, never must I be completely independent from this oxygen that surrounds me, I must grab hold of it. A lot like God, huh?

My heart is split, wrenched, and rendered.

zealcom — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 03:24:12 +0000

Love, what is this thing that abounds?

It changes even the worst for better.

It grips, it beats, it purifies the heart.

It creates a passion that runs till the end.

It’s such a mystery, why you love me.

I am seeped in pride and contempt, a loneliness aches in the void of my heart.

Yet through all this pain and agony, You lead me through with a gentle hand.

And I am stunned, why would You do this for me?

My heart is split, wrenched, and rendered.

My world shaken beyond compare.

My heart is molded by those firm, gentle hands into something beautiful.

Into something that loves You till the very last breath.

How can You make garbage into beauty?

Now my heart runs with You, it feels Your beating pulse and longs to be near.

Oh, now I understand and now nothing will stop my love for You, O Lord, my Friend.

And I

zealcom — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 22:41:39 +0000

And I want to be with you

And I long to be in your embrace

And I am in love with you

Oh, Lord, wonderful Counselor, Creator, Redeemer and Friend

You’re our loving Father, righteous Judge and King

It’s such a mystery, why You love us so

When I was drowning in sin You plucked me out of death’s grip

You called me Your child and heir

I am so unworthy, and still Your love captures me

I am Your lover and friend

Augustine-426 AD

zealcom — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 22:31:01 +0000

“God judged it better to bring good out of evil than to suffer no evil at all.”

6 Lines

zealcom — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 21:36:16 +0000

Forgiveness is sweet to the undeserving.

Acceptance is an unrealized blessing.

Love is the joy that takes away the bitter taste.

Life is more than we could ever ask for.

To be found pleasurable in your eyes is the greatest delight that this soul longs for.

Love life, live love.

There is so much more.

zealcom — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 21:29:57 +0000

This life. The vibrant colors of many juxtapose with the black and white and gray of the monotony infiltrating our existence as time passes in our minds. We are in the battle of our lives, for our lives. I live in my existence with my my mind sure and confident of my love and dedication to the One. Yet who can tell of what my actions speak? I have been told I’ve been an inspiration and encouragement, but it seems as though the world of my light lacks the consistency to pass through the strain of a single test. As in the manner of the test of Job.

The passion, the will and the drive break through in moments where the lack of else to distract me or the supreme determination from some inspiration allows me a glimpse of the One Creator.

Yet the waves lap the shore. The waves try to overcome themselves in the open sea, but, as surely as the sun rises, the waves rescind and return to their watery beginning. In the same manner, inspiration rises and tries to overcome all else only to fall again into the sea of monotony.

Sometimes I want to throw this life against the wall and bash it. How can someone spend so much time learning and seeking after the One and yet be lost. No relationship formed, no life within, only survival with the fake appearance of one who is all in. How can it be? I truely believe we find ourselves in a realm of comfort when in monotony. Following what would consisist of a life dedicated to the One would mean change. It would mean humiliation, being an outcast, no acceptace outside of the body of believers. How can we hear the voice of the One who loves us, feeling His beating heart, without first allowing Him to change us?

Hope. Life. Joy. There is still hope, because the most compassionate and just being in the universe is our redemption. What is life if not the start of a journey which we spend eternity with the One who oves. Maybe we could disregard the value we put on our own lives, break through the barriers of what others think, and not possess a fear of death if we realized that death is only the end of what we can see on this earth.

There. Is. So. Much. More.